Z is for... Zoltar

Zoltar, the fortune telling machine is the perfect way to end the "Adolescent April" series. This eerie, red eyed, plastic gypsy gained mainstream popularity when he granted little Josh Baskin a simple wish: to be big (or morph into Tom Hanks.) The 1988 Gary Marshall film, Big, is about the common youthful desire to grow up because adulthood is sweet bliss. 

A sweet blister. 

Have you ever heard a young, naive adolescent say, "When I grow up" or, "I wish I was older"? I certainly mumbled these phrases as a child while cleaning the dirty laundry or laying in bed at 9pm (lights out, no exceptions!)

I wish that cleaning my dirty laundry only pertained to the tangible, jeans and t shirt kind, not the metaphorical kind. 

Also, now I  can only wish upon a Zoltar for a 9pm bedtime...

Well, I'm a big kid now and I deal with big kid things. If I had a chance to take a re-dip into the fountain of youth, I would happily decline. I treasure my childhood experiences, I have my stories, and now I have an Adolescent April series.

Y is for... Yoda

I shall be brief and give Yoda the platform...


"For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship."


Yoda...my little Buddha. 


Namaste and may the force be with you.

X is for... Xander and the Scoobies

"Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, biddie blah, I'm so stuffy give me a scone." 

-Buffy (Inca Mummy Girl, Season 2)

Joss Whedon - The mastermind behind the brilliancy that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The wonderful Whedon is my chosen one, my Watcher. He is responsible for my own nonsensical grammatical talky time that is delivered to the extended party for external musings. Coined by other Whedonites as "Buffy Speak" the language consists of the following linguistic rules: add "y" or "age" at the end of any word, apply pop culture references in daily conversation, and pepper the ironic situation with a pun, quip, or sarcastic undertone.

The dating criterion for any respectable Whedonite includes the following: be without a vascular pumpy blood thing, know how to make a mean stake, and talk pretty.

W is for... What's Her Face, The Ugly One!

The web comic series Teen Girl Squad was my personal pioneer of viral viewing videos. I was a Sophomore in High School when I was introduced to the Cheerleader, So and So, What's Her Face, and The Ugly One. I was using the school computer for "research" purposes when I suddenly heard ice cream truck music jingling from a nearby computer, followed by a cracked up Mr. Bill* squealing, "Teen Girl Squad!" I left my study station and found the origin of my curiosity. The images on the computer screen, the horror, the hilarity, the possums...

It's "Soooo Good!"

Click here to view the Teen Girl Squad comic series at the official website.

*The actual voice of the was provided by Strong Bad, the emperor of Homestarrunner.com which created the Teen Girl Squad series. Mr. Bill was a clay figurine featured on Saturday Night Live.

V is for... VHS

Oh the wonderful VHS. An enlarged, rectangular cassette containing 800 feet of the finest visual tape for my entertaining pleasures. My VHS library, truly, I had a four-walled dwelling that was dedicated to these boxed cases of nostalgic remedies: The Wizard of Oz, Toy Story, pre-Vaulted Disney films (The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, The Jungle Book, Cinderella, etc), Home Alone, The Sandlot, Homeward Bound, The Sound of Music....

There was a time, sweet little iPeople, when we had to "be kind and rewind",  use a "tracking" button, and hope that an evening away from the tube will end with a recorded Friends episode on the 8 hour blank tape preset earlier that afternoon.

U is for... Undercover Bears instant oatmeal

Before Quaker Oats Dinosaur Eggs, there was General Mills Undercover Bears. This hot, delicious bowl of wonderment was part of my early development stages of youth. Each Undercover Bears instant oatmeal package contained maple flavored gummy bears, which were hidden with a special coating, and buried within the deep depths of dried oats. The bears would appear once a hot wave of water drenched the poor souls. It was awesome. It was delicious. It was awesomely delicious.

I continue to be a minnow swimming in the marketing shark tank. Although, I have been a Von Dutch victim, a Beanie Baby buyer, a purple ketchup kid, etc.. Undercover Bears was a product that was an essential part of my complete breakfast.

T is for... Tetris

This week, Portal 2 was released to the brain hungry puzzled population. The Portal series is mind blowingly a-mazing (I couldn't resist) and filled with high calibered levels of complexity for the well equipped Geeks. I'm talking XBOX 360, PS3, PC, Mac equipped. Yea, it's Marty McFlyin out of my cellular capacity "heavy."

Although the Portal video games are quite complex, and supply a fantastical journey that dig deep into the inner nodes of my mental realm, there truly is no better cerebral satisfaction than watching a row vanish in level 35 of Tetris. It was the highest form of cerebral satisfaction, which heightened at level 36, 37, 38..... 

I spent hours using my super stealthy thumbs on my 1989 authentic yellow screened Game Boy punching B - B - up - right - left,  B-left, left - down, B B B!!  

Goal: Achieve the ending that never was. Or was there? Has anyone ever completed Tetris? If so, I extend my carpal tunneled hand to you.

*I must admit,  I do own all game consoles listed above. But then again, I am a well equipped Girl-Geek, a "Girk" if you will.

S is for... Slip 'n Slide

This high end purchased tarp provided endless hours of summertime splashes and infinite knee gashes. The Wham-O Slip 'n Slide was the upper crust suburban solution to backyard fun. When the mommies wanted to congregate and conversate, the yellow runway supplemented the sugar infused children with a little backyard bath.

As I reflect upon these slippery summer days, I take a moment and smile. In some way or another, we all have scars from childhood: the schoolbus pecking order, the cafeteria social hierarchy, the playground politics, etc. However, the only adolescent scars that have transcended into my adult life are the ones located on my elbows and knees.

R is for... Rollerblades

Today, kids can Gumby scoot around on sidewalks, school hallways, and grocery aisles using their everyday shoes, aka Heelys Skate Shoes.

Heelys Skate Shoes arrived in 2000 to a lot of happy children, and many upset adults. The obvious frustration for parents meant that armies of children will be rolling dangerously through the whimsical suburban streets of pandemonium. However, I think the adult angst is much more of a bitter resentment towards this awesome invention.

I assume the Heelys Skate Shoes inventor was well aware of the frustrating and tedious process of applying the former bootstrapped rollerblades. If I was to go wheeling to the local 7-11 for a cherry-cola Slurpee, which was a common element in my daily rolling regime, I had to bring an extra pair of shoes, which meant carrying a Jansport backpack; which then upon destination, change into my Adidas, go into the store, then perform a 10 minute reapplication Rollerblade session.

Kids, they have it so easy these days.

Q is for... Quailman

Doug Funnie: A Fuddie Duddie by day.... a Tighty Wighty Knight by uh...right

The cartoon tv series Doug, was another masterpiece brought to you by the almighty 90s Nickelodeon. Doug was Phase 1 of the Cultured Hip Unit Regime, commonly referred to as "hipster" by the Generation Y social surrogate organization. 

During college, there was always that one frat guy who donned the Quailman supersuit at the Halloween party. Word of advice to the currently enrolled student body and alumnae folk: The 2 dimensional Quailman, who resides in the Nickeldeon realm, is the only superego who may wear constricting undergarments. I do not need to see the fruit of your looms, dude. 

P is for... Pogs

A "pog" was a small cardboard chip which held absolutely no value whatsoever. Poggers purchased, yes, purchased these poker... er pog chips for bragging rights during playground pog conventions.

"Pogs" were simply an easy revenue tactic used by major corporations with the intention of training the adolescent mind to follow the "Greed is Good" American't creed. More means power.

I am bitter. "Pogs" took my allowance money.

O is for... Orange Soda

Kenan: Who loves orange soda? 

Kel: K-K-Kel loves orange soda. 

Kenan: Is it true? Is it TRUUUUE? 

Kel: MMMHHMMM! I do, I do, I do-oooh!*

I'm a born and raised midwestern child who refers to sugary flavored carbonated beverages as "pop." The exception: Orange Soda. 

Once I realized orange mustaches weren't attractive to the opposite sex, I eliminated the delicious daily consumption of orange soda from my daily diet. 


*Kenan & Kel Nickelodeon tv series (1996-2000)

N is for... Nick at Nite Block Party Summer

Nick at Nite "Block Party Summer." Probably the best television programming concept ever to grace my adolescent pupils. Nick at Nite, the grandparent of Nickelodeon, is a late night supplement for the old kids. In the 1990s, it aired off-the-air fare from the 1940s through 1970s. Today, I can catch an episode of 1990s sitcom, Home Improvement..... Pause. I am not ready to call this an "oldie."

Dear Viacom execs: Can 90s fare at least join TeenNick for a couple of years before taking the full plunge into assisted living? For quarter-life crises sake!

Ok, back to the Party.

The "Block Party Summer" classic lineup:

• "Mary Mondays"                         Mary Tyler Moore Show
• "Lucy Tuesdays"                        I Love Lucy
• "Bewitched Be-Wednesdays"    Bewitched     
• "Jeannie Thursdays"                 I Dream of Jeannie
• "Sgt. Joe Fridays"                     Dragnet

Oh, those sweet, senior citizen sitcom summer nights. A treasure, indeed.

M is for... MASH

The Format:

1. Title paper "MASH" (Mansion - Apartment - Shack - House)
2. Categories: 
• Color  
• # Children  
• Car
• Boy/Girl Crushes
• Places
• Career
3. List 5 items per category
4. Pick a number
5. Eliminate item based on number
6. The last remaining item per category will determine your future

MASH was an instrument used to determine the righteous path for the naive soul. When I grow up, will I be a Porsche-riding rockstar mom, carpooling my 20 children through the Italian streets of Rome, happily married to Devon Sawa? Well one of the listed came true... I did grow up.

*MASH is now available online. Formated in pixelated lined paper to tap into your childhood demons of neurotic past!  If you would like to continue your journey into inadequate absolution, visit MASH online version

L is for... Lunchables

On the rare occasion, I received the Holy Grail of school lunches, a golden box of mechanically processed nourishment, a compartmental dish of amusements: A Lunchable.

I usually received this special box of awesome the day before a Grocery Outing when all the "healthy" items were gone.

The Holy Grail consisted of an abnormally small squared cheese, a kid-friendly wine cooler labeled "Capri Sun", a circle-shaped meat, generic Ritz Crackers, and pill poppin Skittles.

My last Lunchable occurred around 1998, when I fell victim to the perfectly Kraft-ed marketing scheme: Pizza Lunchables. I was expecting to unwrap a box of warm gooey pie but instead I unwrapped a cold marinara taco marketed as "pizza."

K is for... Kongfrontation

Kongfrontation, or commonly referred to as "the King Kong ride," was a ride at Universal Studios Florida theme park. I honestly didn't know its formal name until I googled "King Kong ride" and incidentally obtained more hits with the latter. It's the Baba O'Riley* of amusement park attractions. 


Oh the mechanical nostalgia of the 90's: Jaws, Earthquake: The Big One, Back to the Future: The Ride, Terminator 2: 3-D Battle Across Time, E.T. Adventure (search "E.T." in my archives to read multiple entries pertaining to 20+ years of personal terror.)


I could have written another terrifying chapter in the E.T./Olivia Saga*, but I have decided to talk about my good pal, Kong. At first, our Kongfrontation looked like a continuation of the E.T./Olivia Saga. 


As we weaved back and forth in the neverending line, I took one look at Kong on the promo video and said "No." My family wasn't too pleased since we had been playing follow the leader in line for 45 minutes. As the attendants began to funnel us into the box car,  I performed an Olivia sit-in. I kung fu gripped the handle bar rail and wrapped my little adidas around the gate. I was not going into that boxed car of perpetual terror. 


I was unhappy, my parents were unhappy, the fellow patrons were certainly unhappy but I undoubtedly did not care. At this time everyone is huddled in the claustrophobic car, except for me of course. It was time for an intervention. A Kong caretaker confronted my parents, a nod followed, my mom exited the box car, the doors shut, and the patrons were on their merry way into oblivion. I was safe! She gently held my hand and we left the premises with the Kong caretaker. After an immediate wave of relief had left my sweaty palms, I had an "Uh oh I'm in big trouble" moment.  I'm going to get the "I'm banned from every Amusements Parks forever" pink slip. To my dismay, I was led to a room with multiple tv screens and an illuminated array of buttons. So many buttons. 


I was led to THE control room. The Kong caretaker introduced me to the Kong "Controller", the man behind the Kong. I watched him control the big gorilla, er, gorillas throughout the ride. After one smooth run-through, it was my turn. I pushed the buttons, I moved the gorilla, I had the power... I was Queen of the Jungle. 


*Baba O'Riley: Song performed by The Who - mistakenly referred to as "Teenage Wasteland"
*E.T./Olivia Saga: I'd rather have a tea party with Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhies, and Hannibal Lector then spend 5 seconds with E.T.

J is for... Jim Carrey

My playground phrases: (Made famous by the almighty Bru... Jim Carrey)  

Alrighty Then!

Hello, Cherie.

Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself! 

We got no food, no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

The Claw!

Riddle me this

While other girls applied imaginary makeup, I would spend hours in front of the mirror practicing the vast muscular facial expressions showcased by the King of Facial Putty. 


In the 1990s, Jim Carrey was filled with slap happy comedic fare. In the late 1990s, Carrey proved his talents stretched further than his facial expressions. Carrey graduated from Comedy College when he played Truman Burbank, an oblivious man imprisoned in a pre-constructed world, used for public entertainment in The Truman Show. He perfectly portrayed the late great comedian Andy Kaufman in biopic Man on the Moon. Then, the Jim Carrey Cash Carriage hit a Box Office Bomb: The Majestic. I believe every great actor needs to hit a box office bomb. Acting is the exploration of continued pursuits; I hold the highest respect to any actor who visits the unmarketable/unbankable realm (independent films, straight to dvd franchises, off broadway plays, etc.)  I have a rule: In order to be a member of my "favorite" list, you must have a Box Office Bomb. 


Then in 2003, Mr. Carrey met God (Bruce Almighty) absorbed the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and ultimately became a Yes Man.


As a child, Jim Carrey was one of my favorite comedians, today he is one of my favorite actors. 


On that note,  "Good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"

I is for... "I Want It That Way"

"I Want It That Way" music video

Brian Littrell was my childhood fire, my one boy band desire.


Before the Beliebers, there were BSB-ers. 


I've heard there was a time when MTV played full length music videos on air. I, however, was subjected to 1 minute snippets. MTV's Total Request Live, originally hosted by the current on air Late Late Uber Late Night Host Carson Daly, was a half hour program comprised of 10 music videos, chosen by tv viewers.  


In simple terms, it was the "BSB, N Sync, 98° - Britney Aguilera with a Blink of Rock but still wanting Moore Hour."


BSB 4 Life. 


*Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, 98°, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Blink 182, Kid Rock, Mandy Moore

H is for.... House & Home

As I was brainstorming the material for letter "H", I realized that many of my favorite "H" items consisted of the word House and Home in the title. Alright Homies, let's get down to business....

Full House (tv series)
After a long hard day at the educational institution, the tv channel TBS was home to all my necessary after school special remedies. The lineup included 30 minutes of Uncle Jesse. Have Mercyyy

 Little House on the Prairie (tv series)
Not only was TBS my after school remedy, it was  my medicinal remedy. This syndicated show aired during the morning weekedays. If I was home sick, I'd enjoy a morning at the Prairie.

Man of the House (feature film)
As Chevy was edging over the celebrity cliff, JTT was peaking atop the hot-ster volcano. My oh my, times sure do change in the pop cultured "community"...

Home Improvement (tv series)
Tim the Tool Man Taylor! Still in syndication (TBS, of course) Still awesome.

Home Alone(s) (feature films)
"You guys give up? Or are ya thirsty for more?" - "This is my house. I have to defend it" - "Buzz, your girlfriend, woof!"
Kevin McCallister: The hero, the legend. Future offspring will know thy name. 

Smart House (tv feature film)
Disney Channel original movies provided once a month entertainment. These tv movies were filled with the finest cheese found in Disney's innovation station. Disney sures knows how to pick'em. In this film, a tech-savy dwelling controls everything inside its domain, including the humans! Flash forward to 2011: I can't recognize a human Face because Smart Phones are all a Twitter!

America's Funniest Home Videos (tv series)
A G-Rated Jackass for the family. It continues to reign the primetime ABC tv network airwaves, however 90s host Bob Saget was the "Funniest" of them all.

G is for.... Gumby

Before pixel animated imagery, there was a ball clay. 

As the story goes..
He was once a little green slab of clay. Gumby!
You should see what Gumby can do today. Gumby!
He can walk into any book, with his pony pal Pokey, too.
If you've got a heart then Gumby's a part of you.


The late great Art Clokey (1921-2010), was the brilliant claymator behind Gumbyverse. Clokey introduced the world to Stop motion clay animation, which has paved a nice pixar path for today's computer animated technology. 


Like a growing child, Gumby went through the adolescent changes. As a little Gumby, he was a red eyed mute, then he hit awkward phase and obtained black eyes and a syntehsized voice. Once awkward phase was complete, he grew into a shiny saturated re-reded eyed mold of clay.


His adventures were sublime. He slide around in invisible skate shoes around book world and visited various stories. Then Batman met his Robin: Pokey the pony. Years later the clay clique grew; we met a dino named Prickle and a goo named uh, Goo.* 


Let's not forget the deviant duo, "The Blockheads." The muted mischievous mongrels were always trying to sabotage Gumby & Co. If the Blockheads were instead given the name Smart Squares, perhaps they would know that the unaware opponent always wins! Ignorance is bliss. 


*After further investigative research, Goo was apparently a blue mermaid. Interesting.

F is for... Fido Dido

“Fido is for Fido, Fido is against no one”

(fidodido.com)

Fido Dido put the "dude" in doodle. A 2D figure that loved the simple things, slurping on Slice soda and 7 Up. He was a cultural phenomenon, brought to life by a woman doodling on a napkin at lunch.

His story, his origin, his legacy, is the International Dream.

E is for... the Elephant Show

"The Journey Begins: OD-ing on Ovaltine" Opening Credits

Sharon, Lois, and Bram's Elephant Show was another Nickelodeon gem. I'm telling you, Nickelodeon was the essential canon for any legitimate child worth my recess time. These may be strong words, but these Dora kids have no idea what they are missing!

I haven't watched the opening or closing credits since I was about 9 years old, and I sit here utterly perplexed. Sharon, Lois, and Bram's Elephant Show was the Yellow Submarine for the adolescent mind.

"Coming Off the Cocoa Puffs" Closing Credits

D is for... Double Dare

It's safe to say that the majority of today's game shows are comprised of one thematic premise: monetary gain.
- Deal or No Deal - Who Wants to be a Millionaire? - The Price is Right
- Wheel of Fortune - Cash Cab 

The family-fun fare in our 80s & 90s game shows have sadly disappeared. Where did they go?  Nickelodeon was a wonderful hub for family fun game show programming - including one of my many favorites, Double Dare
Now, let me be clear that the majority of the 90s game shows did have a financial gain premise, but it was hidden beneath green slime and pie throwing fun. Double Dare was one of those totally awesome shows.

Hosted by Marc Summers, each episode contained a red team and blue team sportin' the sweetest new Reebok kicks available on the market (subliminal marketing at its finest.) Each team compiled of four family members who "dared" opposing teams to 20-30 second challenges which usually consisted of filling a bucket with slime or some other questionable fluid. Whichever team accumulated the most points would enter the Obstacle Challenge. This part of the program was as thrilling as waiting in class for the sweet sounds of the recess bell to ring. The team had to complete the course in 60 seconds, all the while obtaining those dang flags that were scattered across the treacherous course. It was an edge of your seat thrill ride.

Nickelodeon Studios: I "Double Dare" you to bring back the family fun game shows!

C is for... Chicago Bulls

"Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the main event. Now, the starting lineup for your CHICAGO BULLS!"


I am proud to say that I am a Chicago, IL native. As a child living in 1990s Chicago, I was fortunate enough to frequently visit the United Center and watch the great 1990s Dynasty Team: the Chicago Bulls. At the naive age of (insert any adolescent age) years old I didn't realize I was attending historical canons that will reign as the greatest years of basketball. 


At the time, I attended the games simply to enjoy the first 20 minutes before l tip off. I didn't necessarily care that I was watching the greatest core team to ever grace NBA history. 


The grand spectacle for my little pupils was not Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Luc Longley, Steve Kerr, Toni Kukoc, or even Dennis Rodman (although "guess Rodman's hair color" prior to the game was always a fun car ride game.)


The Chicago Bulls Grand Spectacle Show was my main event. A Super Pretzel in hand, I anxiously waited as the lights dimmed, which cued the "Bulls Theme" song, followed by an eclectic light show across the stadium, proceeded by a pre-show Benny the Bull segment on the main monitor. Once Benny completed his run through the Chicago streets, he enters the the almighty United Center.


Enter the starting lineup, for your Chicago Bulls...


For the record... Go Bulls 2011!

B is for... Berenstain Bears and other favorite books

As a child, I television was not permitted in my bedroom. Which was probably a good thing; otherwise I never would have enjoyed the following...
(Many of the books included are one of many in a given collection. The examples shown are my notable favorites.)

 Reading Rainbow
My television time consisted of mindlessly awesome programs such as ... well you'll have to wait for those gems to be revealed. I devoted  reading time to the "no-tv allowed" bedroom zone. The only reason why I watched this literary children's program was because it aired before Arthur. Which leads me to...

Arthur
Sweet anteater Arthur.  He was a literary icon, and a cartoon superstar (see above.) A future hipster.

Amelia Bedelia
Honestly, I have no idea why I enjoyed this half-witted maid. I remember reading each story and getting quite frustrated with her irrational behavior. Then I read the end and realized everything can be fixed with baked goods.

 The Berenstain Bears
One of the few literary collections that I enjoyed in both literal and pictorial form. Each story was relatable, a la the "Messy Room" (shown.)

Strega Nona
My Italian Roots printed and bound in this cultural masterpiece. Strega Nona has transferred into my post-adolescent life notably because her name is awesome. Anytime I want to sound like I know Italian, I exclaim, "Strega Nona!"
Works every time.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
This book changed me. I will never set a mouse trap for an innocent long tailed critter. Let him have a cookie!

Love You Forever
I never fully understood why my mother would always cry after reading this to me. Then I read it as a 23 year old woman and solved that mystery.

 Goosebumps
As a child, I was was terrified of the horror genre. No object was safe. Anything that could potentially have a horrific undertone was not permitted in my safe little mental haven (although E.T. and Beetlejuice did like to come out and play. The horror, the horror!) R.L. Stine helped harden my weak shell into the vampire drinkin', Saw bladin', serial killin', fan I am today. (No I'm am not Dexter Morgan or Hannibal Lector II... I enjoy the fictitious kind.)

 

Golden Sight and Sound Books

The publishers/authors had great intentions, "Let's make reading fun by integrating new innovative technology." Reality: I skipped the written text and focused all my brain power on the buttons.





The Jolly Postman
Another interactive innovation. However these publishers/authors were well versed in the "ooo pretty buttons" epidemic and decided to integrate the interactive pieces as written catalysts to the story.

A is for.... Adolescence

I give you my A to Z theme: Adolescence

This April, I will reflect upon my Adolescence and classify pop culture notables that molded me into the cultured infused 24 year old kid I am today. 

It's time to reset the Casio watch, and Return to Innocence

I'll "B" back